just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
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a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me
Father’s Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.