@UduhEmeka

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

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@robwhisman

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

@TheHyyyype

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

@sixfootcandy

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

@clichedout

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

@BCMontgo

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

@EverydayGirlDad

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

@jake_lach

She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me

@yoyoha

Father’s Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household

@JeffMyspace

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

@ConanOBrien

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.