“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
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forgive me baja for i have blast
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”