@HoldinCoffeeld

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

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@Cpin42

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

@primawesome

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

@MoistPork

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

@handsock_butts

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

@jwoodham

[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.

@BoiSmurfie

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

@Staggfilms

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

@KimmyMonte

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

@RCKruseKontrol

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??