This is embarrassing.

I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss’s office.

He’s watching me tweet this.

I’m fired.

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college students be like “what show should i watch i’m bored” baby ur recorded lectures they waiting for u 😹😹😹😹😹


hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials


This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.


Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.


When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.


I’m so pale a vampire just gave me a cookie and a blood transfusion


If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.


one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom


Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy


Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.