college students be like “what show should i watch i’m bored” baby ur recorded lectures they waiting for u 😹😹😹😹😹
This is embarrassing.
I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss’s office.
He’s watching me tweet this.
You Might Also Like
hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I’m so pale a vampire just gave me a cookie and a blood transfusion
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.