This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?