This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Love it! 👍😂
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.