Me: lets go on a date
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
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ME: Hey kid, what do you want for dinner?
7: Do you have cheese?
7: Do you have ham?
7: Do you have bread and mayo?
7: I want spaghetti
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
God: you’re really fast.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*
*Prius spins out of control*
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane