@UnFitz

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

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@NoticablyBacon

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

@skwunt

ME: Hey kid, what do you want for dinner?

7: Do you have cheese?

ME: yes

7: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

7: Do you have bread and mayo?

Me: YES

7: I want spaghetti

@JustinGuarini

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

@TheRolo

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

@joerogan

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

@Darlainky

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

@kelkulus

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

@ThisOneSayz

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

@Ditchful

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane