“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
the council will decide your fate
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat