“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
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After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
did it work
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”