This is how I win fights too

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friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil


the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal


when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit


I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.


Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet.

Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.


Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’


Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself


Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices


Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me