@Cptnrwrpnts

This is how I win fights too

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@TheHyyyype

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

@TheBoydP

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

@BritXNic

Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet.

Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.

@LorieGZ

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

@CrunkDriver

Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself

@HaydenKristal

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

@smithsara79

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me