@ohheyohhihello

This is it. This is the best headline.

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@ObscureGent

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

@mortimermaiden

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

@JohnDuffy21

Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

@Gupton68

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@TheWeirdWorld

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

@SwedishCanary

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

@samalmightysam

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.