@ohheyohhihello

This is it. This is the best headline.

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@doublewenis

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

@dizzydes86

Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I’m a jerk.

@WolfpackAlan

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

@mdob11

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

@cupofdrink

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

@BazarComedy

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

@slimmy_shady

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.