Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I’m a jerk.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
this FaceApp is creepy af
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.