ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
oh you wanna fight?!
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.