Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Well, this is awkward
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis