This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Namaste
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds