This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

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COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs


You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.


Unlike a Caterpillar, a whale won’t turn into a beautiful butterfly.


Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…


According to my current parking spot I’m a physician


Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.


went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes


My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.


Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror