@lukekarmali

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

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@TheToddWilliams

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

@AbbeYaar

You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.

@TheWhaleFacts

Unlike a Caterpillar, a whale won’t turn into a beautiful butterfly.

@djdarrellripley

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

@tayandmae

According to my current parking spot I’m a physician

@Angibangie

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

@sarahclazarus

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

@LizerReal

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

@Shesnotkiddin

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror