“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly


I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times


On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.


When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ


Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.


HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely


No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….


My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.


[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth


Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.