“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
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“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.