Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
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I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.