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@Quartzjixler

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

@stacieooooo

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

@ln0217

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@CakeThrottle

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

@RunOldMan

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

@iamspacegirl

me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.

@BGH70

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

@slaughthie

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.