[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once