this is me
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Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
emergency phone
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Based Erika
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.