this is me
You Might Also Like
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime