“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
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Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Hey! This isn’t my car!
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄