“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

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*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good


[on an airplane]

passenger: hm, i can’t think of a witty caption for this photo


my dad: that should have been you

me, a doctor: not now dad

my dad: go see if an appendectomy will help


INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian



boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds


Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”


I’ll be honest, the only time I’d ever want to be ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ would be if I was chasing them

With an axe.


My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…