“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
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On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Good morning
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.