Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
#Thanos #MondayMood
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”