Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
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no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
man: wait
time: no
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.