Seismologists are loyal to a fault
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We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Banana is the quietest snack
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke