This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
True
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you