This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
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OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
There’s never enough good news
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.