I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people
“This is not working out.”
-My trainer, watching me work out
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“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
*muttered from inside a bear*
“Go hiking,” they said.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Dropping 11yo off at school.
11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.
Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.
11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Him: how old are you?
Me: *holding up fingers* this many
Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day