Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My birth announcement for our third baby
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan