@dumbbeezie

“This is not working out.”

-My trainer, watching me work out

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@climaxximus

I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people

@rzarosco

“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist

@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@MyNameIsArchaic

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

@kellyoxford

Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.

@thetits

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

@captainkalvis

Him: how old are you?

Me: *holding up fingers* this many

Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?

@g0m

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day