Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.