Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Giving birth ;|
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Hand me my reading glasses
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.