This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

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Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Sad 😐
Happy 😐
Scared 😐
Excited 😐
Surprised 😐
Giving birth ;|


Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?


You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.


are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?


Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.


“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.


Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again