This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life