*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.
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“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My sister just had a baby and she seems to have forgotten all about my problems.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.