With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
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I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
🤣😈🤣
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Nice try, NASA
Happy Thanksgiving
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.