“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings

– Fancy restaurants


In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.


My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy


[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling


Mermaid: a half-fish woman. They are all very pretty, even the ones that don’t conform to human standards of beauty. I love all of them.

Murmaid: a maid who does murder. Some are powerful warriors, and some are stealthy assassins. I love all of them.


If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?


I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.


Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”


[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse


Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.