“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*