@DamienFahey

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

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@AimeeHelene1

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

@AndrewChamings

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

@mom_ontherocks

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

@FredTaming

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

@HavocMantis

Mermaid: a half-fish woman. They are all very pretty, even the ones that don’t conform to human standards of beauty. I love all of them.

Murmaid: a maid who does murder. Some are powerful warriors, and some are stealthy assassins. I love all of them.

@JocMaxedOut

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

@junkyardigan

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

@Eden_Eats

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@jimmy_sharpe

Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.