This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon
A dead goose is called a ghoost
What I say and what I mean are three different things.