going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
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I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?