This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

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[if trump wins somehow]
alien: “i said take me to your leader”
me: “dude i swear this is him”


Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?


The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.


*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice


Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*


4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?

Me: No.

4: Can I check?

Me: Do you have a warrant?


Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.


Me: Go get everyone for dinner please


Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice


6: The screaming

Me: I got it


ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine


[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!