[if trump wins somehow]
alien: “i said take me to your leader”
me: “dude i swear this is him”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
You Might Also Like
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?
4: Can I check?
Me: Do you have a warrant?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!