This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
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“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60