This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.