It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The pasta is now
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
“OMGJK” -atheists
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Strangers have the best candy.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.