Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.