Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
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Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I never needed anything more in my life