@omgthatspunny

This is so cornknee

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@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@arcadeseals

me: [googling] what do leg bleeding raccoon bite

google: elevate and apply pressure

me: [lifting raccoon real high] apologize or else

@better_off_dad2

Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

@chelliet22

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

@jellybnbonanza

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

@TheAlexNevil

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

@tryped

Me: I am sad, we don’t have any cookie crumble for my ice cream.
Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby

@onion_an

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time