@omgthatspunny

This is so cornknee

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@IGotsSmarts

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

@Mike__Lee

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

@kimlockhartga

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

@philco816

*hands stranger a condom

S: I don’t need this

Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak

@mynameisntdave

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

@Jenny4ashley

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

@bgdadyspnkbtm

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

@ArfMeasures

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?