She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
*hands stranger a condom
S: I don’t need this
Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I love whoever made this.