This is so cornknee

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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late


me: [googling] what do leg bleeding raccoon bite

google: elevate and apply pressure

me: [lifting raccoon real high] apologize or else


Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’


Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!


I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.


“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid


Me: I am sad, we don’t have any cookie crumble for my ice cream.
Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby


Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time