I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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me: [googling] what do leg bleeding raccoon bite
google: elevate and apply pressure
me: [lifting raccoon real high] apologize or else
Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Me: I am sad, we don’t have any cookie crumble for my ice cream.
Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs