@ericsshadow

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

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@Reverend_Scott

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

@junejuly12

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

@DrakeGatsby

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

@PoliUncorrect

* Pogoing Outside Your Window

~ Are… You… Sure… You… Don’t… Want…. A… Second… Date?

@jergarl

I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.

@therepoguy

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

@Brampersandon_

PAPA JOHNS EMPLOYEE: what can I get you
ME: I’ll take a large *forgetting the word pizza* cheese frisbee

@rebrafsim

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

@xosm

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope