@ericsshadow

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

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@surrealvehicle

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

@daemonic3

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: You’re late! You shoulda been here two hours ago!
Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?

@Diamond_Jax

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

@AshadAndrews

I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.

@scot7a

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

@Ygrene

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

@Glorificus917

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.