INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
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An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Boss: You’re late! You shoulda been here two hours ago!
Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.