Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
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Jelly. Baby needs jelly.
My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn.
Worst. Childproofer. Ever.
Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt
Teller: And the money?
Bank Robber: No thanks
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I’m ok never handling a firearm.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.