@smudger103

This is so me 😂😂

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@AngryRaccoon2

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

@rickolantern

My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn.

Worst. Childproofer. Ever.

@brynnester

Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt

Teller: And the money?

Bank Robber: No thanks

@Mom_Overboard

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like thβ€” wait, really?

@clean_not_sober

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

@DanteEvilCat

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

@MikeOdenthal

Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I’m ok never handling a firearm.

@Browtweaten

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets