This is so me 😂😂
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.