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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.


When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.


Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”


I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.


I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.


I’m still not sure how the church expects me to do all that kneeling and standing and praying on just that one little wafer they feed you.


Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before