[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
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How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.