@HilariousEdited

THIS IS SO TERRIFYING

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@Bob_Janke

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

@junejuly12

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

@WheelTod

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

@yonewt

I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.

@Muath_tu

I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.

@realHamOnWry

I’m still not sure how the church expects me to do all that kneeling and standing and praying on just that one little wafer they feed you.

@ItsAndyRyan

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before