[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
You Might Also Like
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me sliding into hell like
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet