THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
#dnd #ttrpg
i could never be president. im overqualified.
How can I say no to this ?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.