@AnOrangeSNES

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

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@robrouse

Bin Laden’s neighbours interviewed “we had no idea…he just kept himself to himself really…”

@TheToddWilliams

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

@Bossyboots333

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

@SteveSuckington

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

@ibid78

[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct
[later at home] I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

@roxiqt

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

@MrEd_EVH

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

@BoomBoomBetty

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.