Bin Laden’s neighbours interviewed “we had no idea…he just kept himself to himself really…”
THIS IS SPARTA!
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
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I don’t understand bow ties. What, is your neck a gift?
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct
[later at home] I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.