@WeAreGirICodes

THIS IS THE BEST THING IVE SEEN ALL DAY 😂

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@weinerdog4life

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

@Marlebean

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

@ShutUpThatsWho

*job interview*
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people

@BitchyJasmine

Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.

Who’s the deaf one again?

@grifteezy

Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature

@Jennabear32819

A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!

@HenpeckedHal

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

@lisaxy424

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

@CyrusMMcQueen

Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight