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Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters


“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!


*job interview*
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people


Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.

Who’s the deaf one again?


Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature


A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!


HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.


[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…


Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight