Cheers Twitter.
You Might Also Like
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*