I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
If looks could kill
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
How wrong was this guy?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.