THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
You Might Also Like
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.