THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
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Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.