Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
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My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.