This is the first meme I’ve ever shared but it’s a day of firsts so…

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I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.


Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied


I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!


Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby


[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.


If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.


I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.


Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman


I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.